‘How many glasses of wine have YOU had tonight?’
I was facing the question that every drunk person dreads. I mean, obviously no one likes being told they are pissed but honestly I was left really confused and irritated. Now, instead of being carefree and having a laugh I felt really self-conscious. Of course I m drunk on my Saturday night? I work really hard. So what if I want to chat shite and drink enough wine to eventually get kicked off my motorbike taxi. I batted the question off (mostly because I had 4 beers and 3 wines and was unsurprisingly pretty drilled) and went on the offensive – ‘a few, but how many glasses have YOU had?’ note to self, must improve on witty comebacks. God I hate a drunk shamer.
But this has happened before, if not to me then to other pals. There is always a drunk-shamer at every random party you go to. I started to think if I could locate any more regular characters you’d meet on a birthday night out and looking around the table, I started to play a sort of ‘bar bingo’ in my head.
Of course, there has to be a host. It’s probably their birthday and as a result of growing one year older (birthdays 100% stop getting exciting after 21) wants to do something rash and impulsive. They are usually among the drunkest at the table. The host of my Saturday night stood up and bellowed at 12.45pm ‘EVERYONE, LETS GET TATTOOOSSS’ and to be fair to him, he managed to get a contingent of people to saunter to the parlor across the road. His tattoo however, is extremely questionable.
Next is the person that you’ll find that doesn’t really know anybody and isn’t good at holding their own in a conversation. Find them at the end of the table, pondering when is an acceptable time to leave after only being at the pub for a hot minute.
Then there are the people that are eye-fucking across the table. They have either been shagging or desperately want to French exit and bump uglies. They mirror each other’s emotions and drink at the same pace. Usually not a great laugh to sit next too.
Obviously there has to be the drunkest one at the party. They usually find it hard to string a sentence together after 11pm and unintentionally vex everyone in their paths. There is a high chance they will be kicked out, or maybe the person-who-doesn’t-really-know-anyone will seize this opportunity to take the drunken one home. They latter is either the life and soul, or the most irritating person alive depending on the vibe.
Last and the least, is the B-class guest. Doesn’t really bring anything to the table, maybe described as ‘nice’ and ‘dry lunch’ a lot. They are there to fill the seats, although no one wants to be stuck next to them. You’ll have to resort to talking about particularly mundane conversations (like wallpaper, I actually found myself in this position once) to avoid sitting in an awkward silence.
There are definitely more characters, but I would say these are staples. Let me know if you think of anymore?